Senseless

 

I feel dead.

As if I am just making it through my day. I’m not talking spiritually though. I’m talking physically. My body feels so down and heavy. I have lost weight without even trying. Make-up does not even cover my jaundice looking skin anymore. I always have a ringing noise to my ear. I feel lightheaded and dizzy. I feel weak. & I feel that I have some symptoms of the RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome). The cause of all this is my anemia. I have been anemic most of my life, but now I feel like it’s really getting to me.

Last year I went to the doctor for my annual health check. I went through the routine exams; blood check, urine check, etc.  My doctor calls me with the results and tells me I need to make an appointment with the oncologist she recommended. Suddenly shocked, I became scare of the fact that my blood result may have indicated some type of cancer. I began praying hard! God please, please, please, don’t let it be what I think! Anemia eventually develops into a type of cancer and truly it’s the last thing anyone wants. Thanks be to God I didn’t have cancer. My anemia had just gotten worse. The doctor subscribed medicine and I was good to go.

I haven’t been taking the medicine anymore. I don’t have time for it. I forget to take it daily. I feel really tired now. I feel the need to sleep often. Right now I feel dizzy and the ringing in my ear doesn’t stop. I feel dead…

This site has a little on anemia if you want to take a look. http://www.umm.edu/patiented/articles/what_symptoms_of_anemia_000057_4.htm

 

Die Hard

I have gone back to my old habit.

It’s true what they say… “Old habits die hard”.

I thought I would never go back to that point of my life again. I thought I had conquered it, but they also say… “Never say never”.

I have discovered that this “Old Habit” is self infliction. I believe it started off years ago when I had to take the anger out on someone. Everything that I had bottled up inside eventually became my worse enemy when I took it out on me. The result of a bruise was more than satisfactory. Maybe because leaving a bruise at that moment was the only best thing I could have accomplished.

It had been over six months since I had stopped. It was over, out of my mind, out of the picture and forgotten. Last week a circumstance allowed me to remember once again.

I have to admit that writing about this is really hard. It’s something I have never told anyone. This is one of the darkest secrets I do keep to myself. But I do feel that writing about this will help me get over this and eventually it will help some one else conquer this.

I don’t cut myself. I didn’t get to that point. I have got to the point when a knife was my solution to my problem. It looked like my way out. But with this self infliction I got satisfaction. I hit myself. I pounded myself on my thighs, the hardest it took, the better. The darker the bruise, the more accomplished I was. Now I am scared. I have gone back to it and I enjoyed it.

I have not stopped thinking of it since it happened but I haven’t done it since…