Die Hard

I have gone back to my old habit.

It’s true what they say… “Old habits die hard”.

I thought I would never go back to that point of my life again. I thought I had conquered it, but they also say… “Never say never”.

I have discovered that this “Old Habit” is self infliction. I believe it started off years ago when I had to take the anger out on someone. Everything that I had bottled up inside eventually became my worse enemy when I took it out on me. The result of a bruise was more than satisfactory. Maybe because leaving a bruise at that moment was the only best thing I could have accomplished.

It had been over six months since I had stopped. It was over, out of my mind, out of the picture and forgotten. Last week a circumstance allowed me to remember once again.

I have to admit that writing about this is really hard. It’s something I have never told anyone. This is one of the darkest secrets I do keep to myself. But I do feel that writing about this will help me get over this and eventually it will help some one else conquer this.

I don’t cut myself. I didn’t get to that point. I have got to the point when a knife was my solution to my problem. It looked like my way out. But with this self infliction I got satisfaction. I hit myself. I pounded myself on my thighs, the hardest it took, the better. The darker the bruise, the more accomplished I was. Now I am scared. I have gone back to it and I enjoyed it.

I have not stopped thinking of it since it happened but I haven’t done it since…