I Need A Refill

I can feel the breakthrough… or at least I’m already declaring it.
Today I woke up with a spirit that was starving for God’s presence. I felt a burden become heavier, evident that God was needed more than before. Once I went to church, I knew I was not alone. All I knew was that we were all hungry, desperate, and longing for His touch. I’m glad to see that Oasis is walking together. Our church will be fasting the Daniel fast for twenty-one days. My flesh screams no, my spirit leaps of joy,and I simply want more.

After an uplifting word and encouraging words, I forgot that this meant it was going to be a battle. Not only in my flesh but also in my spirit. As soon as I walk outside the church doors, the attack comes.

I am tired, worn out, dried up, and weak; I need a refill. Sometimes the greatest battle is fought inside. Sometimes the greatest battle happens within the people you love the most. When you think that those you love won’t hurt you, think again, they can. I only pray for her. I pray for our relationship of mother-daughter. I pray that God gives me the right attitude, the right words, the right thoughts, and simply have His God-like attitude towards her. May I understand the reason behind her actions or not. I need my mom, but I first need a refill of His anointing in my live.

As I drove home after work tonight, I cried out to God. I was running home to Papa. Scared, ashamed, sad, and desperate for acceptance. I cried out words of desperation that came straight from my heart. He told me I amazed Him. Me? Amaze Him? He was slowly beginning to refill my glass with words of love. Words that came directly from His heart to my soul. He was amazed by me, He called me beautiful and pure, He spoke softly like never before. My face full of tears and my heart warm of love, I knew this was the beginning of a great breakthrough.

This is my fast.

Lolita

I forgot what allergies felt like.
At least that’s what I seem to have. Sneezing, stuffy/runny nose, awful headaches, and drowsiness. Gotta love it !

Anyways, these past weeks I have been struggling with my car. For those of you that don’t know, I have a name for it. Her name is Lolita. She is a blue Acura Integra 91. What I like about her: her sunroof! About two weeks ago she seemed to have injured her water pump and I noticed it when green liquid was near her tire. Me, being a girl who doesn’t know about mechanics and Lolita’s organs, was scared. I NEED LOLITA! My uncle took a look at her and told me the diagnostics.

Definitely heaven-sent my uncle was able to fix it. Of course, he had to get some parts and tools that were necessary for the procedure. He took almost a complete day to work on it. Do I appreciate it! After he had installed everything in and put Lolita’s organs in, she didn’t want to turn on. We tried, tried, and tried some more. I told her that I needed her, yet she seemed to be out of it.

My uncle had a mechanic look at it and we were told that it would cost $500 alone to fix the part, that aside from manual labor. OUCH! Thank God my uncle gave it one last try and Ta-da! Lolita is running, with alot of shakes and creeks but she is running!

Today she has a Dr.’s appointment with an Acura specialist. I pray that the problem will be something that is in my price range in order to put her in better health.

Are You My Father? Part I

I had an emotionally overwhelming day a few days ago. I woke up with one out of the ordinary need: search for my biological father. For years, my goal has been to search for this man before I got married. In the past I tried looking for him though not through extensive searches. This time I am doing more than just superficial facts. It’s not that I am in a hurry to find him because I am getting married, it is more because I have missing peace of the puzzle that has now become more needed.

I started my search through a website that gives information with people of that name for less than $5. Meaning addresses, phone numbers, and even some DOB’s. I hesitated to call a number.

How do you possibily make that type of phone call? How do you start it? What do you ask? If a spouse answers, how you do present yourself? And finally, if its him, where do you begin? Questions such as these ran through my mind. I just wanted to hear his voice.

The first numbers I called were wrong numbers, disconnected, and answering machines. Then I went through the list and called another one. Finally I heard a voice. Needless to say the voice had an accent. It had to be a sign! “Hi, I am looking for So and So…” I finally said. He said “yeah this is me, who am I speaking to?”. What do I say next?! Mmmm I could be your daughter, quite possibly cause you have the same name… Though I didn’t say that. I told him who I was and why I was calling. I told him that I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable but I needed to ask some questions. He was open and willing to help. He asked me my age and the state I lived in. He said that he hadn’t been anywhere near around the described time. He told me he was a sheriff and had been living in that area for many years. I knew it wouldn’t be him. I told him that I was going to get married and that I would like him to attend. He said something that stuck to me, “I have three children; one thirty year old son, a twenty five year old daughter, and a nineteen year old daughter. Knowing that you are my youngest daughters age, I know that I would not want her to go through that. I hope that you find your father, that he is a well put together man. If I knew you better, I would be glad to walk you down the aisle. Save my number and call me when you find him, I would like to know how it turned out for you.”

My heart felt as if it were drowning in hopelessness. I wanted him to be that man so bad. As tears fell down my cheeks I knew that this journey was going to be harder than expected. I wanted an answer, I wanted to hear a familiar voice, like the one I heard when I was once ten years old. I want to know you.

Daddy’s Little Girl

Yesterday made me realize how loved I am by my Daddy the King.

I was running late for my sociology class. Trust me… it rarely happens. Yesterday we had an exam that required a scantron and of course, a pencil. Unfortunately, I wasn’t fully on planet earth and forgot the fact that I needed those two materials in order to take the test. Knowing that I could buy a scantron at the student lounge, I went walking in a fast pace and bought two (just in case). As I got back to the classroom, I realized that I didn’t have a pencil. I started digging in the abundantly large purse that I brought with me for a pen knowing that I would not be able to find a pencil. I never carry pencils!

I found a pencil in my purse! Go figure! This week Daddy has demonstrated acts of love to me. As I pulled out this unfamiliar pencil from my bag I smiled and thanked Papa for watching out for me. It reminded me of how a mother leaves a special note in her child’s lunchbox. My Daddy was watching out for me. ME!

I’ve been sleeping at late hours of the night lately. Simply thinking. I call it quiet time. Waking up early in the morning is a hassle. Every Tuesday and Thursday mornings I have a jogging class at 8am. I went to bed Tuesday morning at 2am. I had a good five hours to sleep. Though it had been raining I asked God to make it rain so that I wouldn’t have to attend class.

My fiance called me at 7am to wake me up and as a routine I always look out the window to see the weather. The scene was amazing. It was beautifully lit with the warmest sun, the clouds were white and comfy, and it was clearly meant to be enjoyed.

I know I asked for rain but Daddy gave me the opportunity to enjoy a jog in His gift of simplicity.