Lucas, my sweet baby, my joy, I commence this post with tears welling in my eyes.
I am in awe at God and how He worked in our lives this year. Your birth, your journey, your transformation, and your healing is nothing short of a miracle and trust me, you will always grow up knowing that. The way God worked so perfectly to connect us together.
June 20. That’s the day I first met you. My heart had been connected to yours weeks before that but then I finally saw you. Tiny. Little. Baby.
I love you, baby. I spend my days kissing your toes while daddy makes “eeewwwww” sounds because he doesn’t think kissing baby feet is cute. I resist biting your cheeks, your arms, and pinching your leg rolls but when I give in and tickle you, your new distinct laughter brings instant joy to my heart. I hate not knowing how to heal you when you are crying in pain. My heart warms up instantly at the sight of your smile and your cute baby talk.
Then when it all becomes too much, too hard, too stressing… I feel like you don’t deserve a bad mother like me but I have to remind myself that we were a match made in heaven and that bad days happen to everyone.
While you develop on your own pace, so do I. We are both growing and learning. Before you came into our lives we didn’t know half the things we know now. Micro preemie, paralyzed vocal chords, umbilical hernia, ROP, laser eye surgeries for babies, PDA, etc etc etc and that’s only medical talk. Now words like “tummy time” “teething tablets” “teething” “burp cloth” “zebra toy” and “cloth diaper” are a daily part of our vocabulary.
You have changed our lives for the better! A few weeks ago while you slept in your crib in your room and daddy slept in our bed, daddy starts saying in his sleep “shh, shh, shhh, it’s okay Lucas, it’s okay, shh shh shh”. I giggled as he did it. He must of thought you were crying in his sleep!
Even though you didn’t grow in my womb, you grew deep in every fiber of my heart.
As Christmas approaches, I want you to know that you are by far the greatest gift we have ever received. A year ago we only dreamed of having you here and here you are, Papa God really delivered us with the most precious gift ever!
I want you to know just how much we love you and just how much we’ve prayed for you before you even came into our lives. As the months go by and we see you develop and beat the odds, we are more and more in awe with God and grateful to Him for allowing us to be your parents.
Please remember that I love you even on our bad days. I promise to try to be the best mama. I promise that daddy and I will instruct you in the ways of the Lord. I promise to try to feed you the healthiest meals. I promise to nourish your mind, spirit, and soul with the love that God has poured into us. I promise to laugh at my mistakes and teach you that humans are flawed but beautiful. I promise, sweet baby, that I will ALWAYS be here for you no matter your age and how far you leave.
I promise to kiss you every. single. day. and that may not be such a bad deal now but once you’re older you won’t appreciate as much (for that, I apologize in advance).
Lucas, you have come into our lives and have shined brightly into our lives. I want to thank you for giving me my new name, mama.
I love you, forever and ever, sweet boy.