Infertility · marriage · The Blog

Forever and Ever

We sat there. Brief silence. Tears trapped. The topic was brought up again. We never know what strikes it. But there it is. Here it is. Silence. This time it was heavier. Thicker. Because his words floated.

“It’s my fault. I feel useless.”

I asked why.

“Because I can’t get you pregnant.”

It stung. I told him it wasn’t his fault. I mentioned his super sperm. I said the truth. It’s my fault and we both know it.

All this time he must’ve been blaming himself even with all the evidence. My heart sank for him.

I guess it got to him. All the judgement we received from the family. All the insensitivity. All the harsh words spilled out by someone he loved got to him. That happy-go-lucky guy that has “the force” with him blamed himself for my infertility. It took me a year to realize it…

Infertility hurts everyone. Wives, be sensitive to your spouses. He may not tell you what’s on his heart. He may not want to hurt you any more than you already are.

Be patient. Be loving. Be real. Be ready to listen.

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My husband and I smile when our friends say our child looks like either one of us. It’s amazing how God works. We are eternally grateful for the blessing to be parents to such a precious baby boy. But there’s always, always, that indescribable feeling that makes me wonder how our biological child would ever look like.

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my beloved

Most importantly, love each other. Infertility hurts marriages. I’ve seen it make you or break you. So I urge you to pray together. Listen to each other. Stop and slow down. Sometimes all you have to do is stop fertility treatments all together. Sometimes all you need is a vacation. Sometimes all you need is some space. But you will ALWAYS need each other. I may be a 23 year old talking to you about marriage, infertility, faith, adoption, and the military and that all may sound silly to you but listen to me when I say this- your marriage will NOT fail if you have God in the center of your marriage.

The_Barrera_Family-96

While you are on whatever journey you travel in life, take a second to refresh, look at your spouse, smile, cry, hug (do whatever you need to do), make sure you are on track with each other and pray together. Sometimes our marriage gets derailed in alignment with God. Life does that. Infertility does that. It leaves us with foggy minds, heavy hearts, and unsure paths. So take a second. Connect with your spouse and get on track with God so whenever life’s tough winds come trying to sweep your through, you are holding hands with no fear of the future.

<3

Remember the vows you made to each other on that special day- “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, as long as we both shall live” and mean it.

Forever and ever.

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Faith · Infertility · love · marriage · The Blog

My Good Man

Rough and tough journey’s aren’t meant to be traveled alone… at least not for me. Without my husband, I’d be more of a wreck than I am now, which is hard to envision being that I am pretty messed up as it is.

I’ve been able to write on how I’ve been coping with the infertility, dealing with the adoption process, being a military spouse, and so on but haven’t talked much about the man that has helped me re-adjust my attitude and cared for me through it all.

For those women looking for a perfect man, make sure you start praying and directing yourself to Jesus, you will only find perfection in Him but know that there are genuinely good men, not perfect but good.

These few months have been exceptionally tough as a wife. Realizing that this infertility could be more than a temporary issue has been heartbreaking. Realizing that your new-born niece resembles some of your husbands characteristics more than any other child we adopt will– honestly hurt. I’ve cried endlessly (and can’t stop the tears as I write this now). Feeling useless as a wife. Feeling embarrassed with his family because I am not able to provide them with a grandchild, nephew/niece, or cousin with their blood.

To be honest, for me, it hasn’t really been about creating a child that looks like us, for me, where the infertility strikes is that I won’t be able to experience pregnancy.

I can’t tell you that I feel absolutely 100% better about this. I can’t say that I don’t feel less of a women sometimes, because sometimes I do.

My husband doesn’t pressure me. He is excited about adoption. His genuine heart to adopt gives me peace that we are doing the right thing. His eyes light up when we talk about parenting our children. Every night as we cuddle, he talks about how anxious he is to get our children here. He is truly a sweet, loving, and amazing husband… and that’s why I feel like he deserves the very best.

So sometimes I tell him to leave me and to find a woman that will give him a child. I know, it’s stupid. He’s never asked that of me but since I want the best for him, I think of dumb alternatives to cope with this (don’t judge me). I’m glad to see a I have good man. One that loves me enough to know that my words come from a painful place. I’m blessed to have a husband that gives me more than enough hugs and kisses to reassure me he’d never leave me in this storm alone. I’m blessed to have a man that says the right things (sometimes) but acts on them when push comes to shove.

Daniel is my best friend. We don’t always agree on things but always find a way to compromise. He makes me smile when I doubt I’ll be able to physically ‘turn my frown upside down’. He is even proud of wearing the most ugliest scarf seen to man just because I knit it for him. I mean, he’s pretty cool…

I don’t think God could’ve equipped me with a better partner than He did with Daniel. He may be childish and say the wrong things but he is a good man, not perfect, but good.

The best question I could possibly think of right now is this- are you looking for perfection in people? and who is right by you helping you cope and walk this part of your journey?